Album Review: Hayden - Everything I Long For (20th anniversary reissue)

Ramshackle and auspicious are the two words that come to mind when describing Hayden Desser’s 1996 raw and earnest debut LP, Everything I Long For, which, like all things that celebrate a milestone anniversary, was recently reissued to celebrate its 20^th year.

Later fulfilling his promise on the 1998 follow up, the most excellent The Closer I Get, Everything I Long For arrives two decades later as a bit of a mixed bag, treading a very delicate balance between sparse, introspective folk numbers, and visceral, angry, and dissonant songs that even after this much time has passed are still head scratchers—e.g. the refrains of “In September” and “Skates.” Desser chooses to sing in this puzzling, throaty and off-putting voice that comes off almost as a caricature, and makes for an unnerving listen.

But 20 years ago, maybe unnerving was the point. Or maybe it was just youthful exuberance. But thankfully, it was a choice he grew out of by the time he recorded The Closer I Get.

As a lyricist, Desser has always excelled at crafting evocative imagery, and it’s something he was apparently good at right out of the gate—like the story of two young lovers calling in sick to work so they can spend the day together, stuck in a phone booth during the rain on “We Don’t Mind,” tracking the end of a relationship on “You Were Loved,” or placing himself in the first person narrative of a child trapped in a car that’s going into water on “When This Is Over.”

And even a song like “Skates,” as weird and unpalatable as it comes across thanks to the throat hoarsening, dissonant shouts Desser uses on the refrain of the song—as a song, it still tells quite stark tale, woven expertly through his use of language.

As jarring as the juxtaposition of the quiet and the loud are on Everything I Long For, it’s something that you get used to with each subsequent listen. And even the louder, stranger moments become a little easier on the ears over time.

It wouldn’t be a 20^th anniversary edition of an album without some bonus material tacked on for good measure, and the reissue of Everything I Long For is no exception—included here is a demo version of the album’s single “Bad As They Seem,” as well as an early recording of the song “Trees Lounge,” a tune Desser co-wrote with Steve Buscemi for his film of the same name—which, as fate would have it, was how I originally heard about Hayden, so many years ago.

Taken as a whole, Everything I Long For can be looked at as an album full homages—both in its sound as well as its overall feeling. Sonically, it owes just as much to the lo-fi indie rock of the early 90s as it does to the longstanding folk tradition; and it captures a kind of youthful confusion, angst, and resolve that come in your early 20s, which is when Desser recorded the album, and which is really the only time one could get away with a lyric like “Girl of my dreams, things are as bad as they seem. She is only sixteen, which is why she’s only a dream”—the line that opens up the record on “Bad As They Seem.” 

Everything I Long For is really the kind of record that could only be born in the mid 90s. It hasn’t aged poorly, but it also lacks a timelessness that would allow it to transcend the time period. I was 12 or 13 at the time of the album’s release, and obviously not listening to this kind of music, so missing out on it the first time around, and never seeking it out after I did discover Hayden Desser, it’s been an informative experience listening to an artist, well established now, just finding his way, making brutally honest music on his own terms.

The vinyl reissue of Everything I Long For is sold out. Please download from iTunes via Hardwood Recordings.