Album Review: R. Kelly- Black Panties

If there’s one thing that is explicitly clear by the end of Black Panties, it is that R. Kelly has a complicated relationship with women.

Specifically—their vaginas.

Or, as Kellz puts it—“the pussy.”

So let’s just get comfortable with using that term. “Pussy.” I know it’s going to be a challenge for some of you to do—but I don’t care. And you know who else doesn’t care? R. Motherfucking Kelly.

All right, let’s just get one thing out of the way—I genuinely love R. Kelly.

Haters gonna hate—and these haters can’t separate Kelly’s personal pitfalls from his incredible blend of hyper-sexualized, self-aware R&B. But hey, don’t worry—those haters will be dealt with in due time. Did R. Kelly really pee on a girl? I don’t know—and I kind of don’t really give a shit. Like, he didn’t kill anybody so let’s all just calm down. And maybe this girl WANTED to be peed on. Did anyone ever stop to consider that?  Let’s not fault him for that okay? AND CHANCES ARE HE DIDN’T EVEN DO IT YOU GUYS. HE WAS FOUND NOT GUILTY.

In the mid-1990s, did he possibly marry a then-underage Aaliyah? Maybe. But as she named her debut LP, age ain’t nothing but a number, so does it really matter?

I mean, come on. Robert Sylvester Kelly wrote “I Believe I Can Fly.”

A true return to form for Kellz, Black Panties, will make you blush. I mean, even I was a little like Maggie Smith in “Downton Abbey” and said “OOOHH MY!” during a few of the songs—specifically on the second track, “Cookie,” wherein Kellz compares a woman’s “bathing suit area” to a cookie, and then announces that he is a cookie monster.

Even though it’s so much more than this, Black Panties could accurately be described as an ode to eating pussy. Like, there are songs about Chicago (“My Story,”) and there are songs about being from the hood (“Right Back,”) or whatever, but the real take away is that if you are a woman—well, ladies, R. Kelly wants to go down on you. And he wants you to know that you will fucking love it.

The Dream tried this act earlier in the year with the incredibly tepid IV Play. The reason that R. Kelly can get away with something like this is that Kellz never takes himself too seriously. Since the whole “Trapped in The Closet” thing started nearly a decade ago, his increasing self-awareness became more and more apparent. I would say that it’s his secret weapon, but it’s no secret. His amazing and wonderful autobiography Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me was the pinnacle of said self-awareness.

Who else but R. Kelly could see a late-career resurgence like this? I mean, who else but R. Kelly could dodge a lengthy trial where you stand accused of peeing on an underage girl? In 2012, it was his book, his post-disco/soul influenced Write Me Back, and a stunning guest spot on Kanye West’s “To The World.” This year, it was his mind boggling live set at the Pitchfork Music Festival, and before that, his surprise appearance singing a mash up of “Ignition” and “1901” with Phoenix at Cochella. Black Panties is just another achievement in another banner year for the man that put the R in R&B.

I mean, there was a petition on the White House’s website to make the remix to “Ignition” the country’s national anthem.

Black Panties, however wonderful and raunchy as it all may be, is far from perfect. Because it is 2013, Kelly (unwisely) relies on Auto-Tune technology for added effect. He obviously doesn’t need it. Kellz can sing. Like, REALLY sing. But somewhat generic trap-style beats and Auto-Tuned crooning weigh down a bulk of the album—occasionally the trap music backfires. On the “bonus” track “Show Ya Pussy,” trippy rapper Juicy J and someone named Migos show up and to play hypemen to Kellz, and while it shows promise early on, it by the time their verses show up, it falls incredibly flat.

When Black Panties works, it really does work—the single, “Genius,” is amazing, and on par with Kelly’s best material—“I’m blessed with the insight to please your body, because tonight your lying with a sex genius,” he assures his lady during the refrain. It’s a slow jam—I mean, as are all R. Kelly songs, really, at heart—but this is like NICE and SLOW, nahmean?

“I wanna do it in every position,” Kellz exclaims on one of the “bonus” tracks, the very aptly titled, “Every Position.” This is followed by “Lights On,” where, believe it or not, Kelly alerts his lady that she’ll be leaving on her shoes and necklace, and that they’ll be “fucking with the lights on.” On “Crazy Sex,” a special evening in the bedroom is outlined for you—“Let’s act like we lost our motherfucking minds, making crazy faces in the mirror.” Who knew having sex could be so fun?

Even at his most tender moment, Kelly can’t help himself. The bizarre ode to vaginas, “Marry The Pussy,” begins with a skit, and then turns into what he called a “sex proposal.”

As for the haters I mentioned earlier—in the most self-aware and direct song on the album, “Shut Up,” Kelly addresses them. It’s an alternate mix of a track that surfaced online two years ago after he underwent emergency tonsil surgery—in the song he thanks the doctors that worked with him, while telling the rest of the world to shut up if they have doubts about him. The song’s finest moment—“Let’s be honest, how many babies been made off me?”

Some of the material is, oh, you know, fairly misogynistic and sexist. And some of it pretty offensive. On “Cookie,” he mentions that he’s going to “beat the pussy till it’s blue.” Like, okay, I get it: R. Kelly really likes to fuck. It’s not that the act gets old—far from it. In its dullest moments, you never know what’s going to happen on Black Panties.

I feel like I should be more offended, or appalled by some of this, but I’m not. This isn’t just anyone we’re talking about here. This is Robert Sylvester Kelly. He’s a complicated man full of contradictions—just read his book. Seriously. Read it. It’s exactly the kind of book you think R. Kelly would write.

Within all those contradictions, Kellz manages to maintain a sense of humor and self-awareness that lets you know you shouldn’t take Black Panties 100% seriously. He’s not trying to reinvent the wheel here—he’s just trying to have sex with the wheel.

 Black Panties drops (pun intended) on Tuesday, December 10th, via RCA.