The Years Burn: On Fathers, Sons, and The Alt-Rock Scene in Chicago in The Early 90's
A few months before the
Smashing Pumpkins were an MTV “Buzz Bin” sensation with the single, “Today,” my
father had read about the release of Siamese
Dream in the Chicago Tribune, and
had purchased the compact disc shortly after it came out. In fact, in 1993 and
1994, there was a lot of music coming out of Chicago—some of it would be widely
regarded (Siamese Dream, Liz Phair’s Exile in Guyville), some of it would
have a slow and steady following—(Veruca Salt’s American Thighs and Red Red Meat’s Jimmywine Majestic), and some of it would just toil in
obscurity—(Urge Overkill’s Saturation.)
All of these are records that were mentioned in the Tribune, the paper my father walked down to the gas station to get
every Sunday morning. And all of these are records we had in the house when I
was growing up.
Exile in Guyville was off
limits to an 11 year-old me. There, of course, is the nip slip on the front
cover. There are the suggestive photos in the liner notes. And there’s the song
called “Fuck and Run.” And then there’s the lyric, “I’ll fuck you till your
dick is blue,” from the song “Flower.” By the time I got into Liz Phair on my
own—after her bizarre turn as a pop star in 2003—I picked up a used copy of Guyville, and I remember being
relatively underwhelmed by it, and unloading it to another used c.d. shop
shortly after that.
Two decades down the line, I
have no clue what my father is listening to, if anything. I know there were
times, when I was in my formative years, that I tried to get him into different
things—Radiohead, Iron and Wine, Califone—I feel like at some point he mentioned
he liked Damien Rice. And at some point, ten years ago, I liked him too. But
now, today, at this very moment, my father could just enjoy silence—no radio on
in the car, no c.d playing at home.
My father and I are not
close. “Estranged” is the word I use when explaining it to others. We have been
in some form or another of estrangement for almost twenty years at this point.
One phone call in the last seven years. One face-to-face meeting, in the last
eight years. Sporadic and infrequent emails filling in the rest of the time, usually
around holidays (respective birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day.)
The events leading up to the
estrangement between my father and myself involve a lot of things—a messy
divorce, resentment, et. al. In reflecting back, it seems that my father has
not been a part of my life for longer than he ever was a part of it. There were
a lot of hard feelings for many of those years, and it’s only recently that I
arrived to the conclusion that holding onto all that anger isn’t going to
change anything—it isn’t going to make up for lost time, and I don’t think
either of us are looking for that. And hanging onto all of the anger wasn’t
going to change what he did to destroy the family. And it certainly isn’t going
to change the roles we found ourselves in now—strangers, for the most part—and
neither one of us really willing to take the first step towards any kind of
resolution.
For many reasons, seemingly
clichéd at first glance, I think of my father when I hear the song “Disarm.”
“Disarm” was the third single to be released from the Smashing Pumpkins album Siamese Dream. For those who were
judging the band on the firs two singles—“Disarm” was a dramatic shift. It’s a
sound that the band revisited on their commercial breakthrough and peak as
artists, 1995’s Mellon Collie and The
Infinite Sadness. The bulk of Siamese
Dream was influenced very heavily by My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless, which accounts for the oppressive,
trebled guitar dynamics, so the acoustic guitar and string arrangements on
“Disarm” cause it to stand out.
It should be obvious to even
a casual listener what “Disarm,” at even its base level, is about. The Internet
will tell you it’s about Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan’s “shaky” relationship
with his parents growing up. And it should be obvious, if you look even
slightly closer, that it’s directed more towards a father figure, rather than a
mother.
There’s a lot of music from
my youth, that when I hear it now, I associate it with my father—not in a
negative, or even a sad way, like I do with “Disarm.” It just will take me back
to records and tapes (later compact discs) that we had around the house, the
layout of our living room, and the stereo system, stacked neatly in a cabinet,
flanked by two huge bookshelves packed with books and vinyl LPs. Whenever I hear Talking Heads, specifically
“Road to Nowhere,” or “Money For Nothing,” by Dire Straights—I’m right back in
that living room, turning the silver volume dial on the amplifier, or I’m
watching the black and silver checkerboard pattern on the edge of the turntable
spin around, creating a beautiful blur.
It was never immediate—the
connection I made to my childhood, my father, and “Disarm.” It was more of a
recent realization. And it was a realization that I had while I was still doing
my daily radio show, and I made sure to play the song as close to Father’s Day
as I could, dedicating it to all the deadbeat dads out there in the world.
Including my own.
“Disarm” is so melodramatic,
but because I identify with it on such a personal level, I’m willing to look
passed that fact. I mean, come on, “The
killer in me is the killer in you”? That’s PRETTY overemotional. However, in breaking down what leads up to
that though—
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
—it’s easy to see how any
child coming from a broken home can relate. “So old in my shoes”—meaning that you end up growing up fast because
of all the changes around you. “What I
choose is my choice/What’s a boy supposed to do?”—representing being put in
the middle between parents splitting up; Who has custody? Who has visitation?
Who makes that decision?
My situation was certainly
not unique. And certainly there are countless others who place themselves
within the words of this song, and apply it to their own lives.
I suppose a real turning
point with this whole thing—the estrangement from my father, and how we got to
the non-relationship we find ourselves in today, stems from my not inviting him
to my wedding.
It was a very easy decision
for me to make. For some, it was a
decision that they didn’t understand. In retrospect, maybe it was not a well
thought out decision, because within a month, I received an email from my
father, inquiring as to how I had been doing, and I told him that I had
recently gotten married.
There was a lot of back and
forth after this, but what I learned was that, at the time, for the last
fifteen years, while I was hanging on to all of that anger and resentment, and
blaming him for the disintegrated relationship we had, HE had been hanging on
to anger and resentment as well, blaming ME for the disintegrated relationship
we had.
I learned that there was no
way to go back and try to “fix things,” and if anything, we’d need to start
over now that these feelings were in the open. We would both have to work at
building a relationship from nothing. And when presented with that option; I
learned that I couldn’t see myself doing that. I didn’t want to put in the
effort.
And so things remained the
same. Sporadic emails consisting of small talk. The “elephant in the room” as
they say, out on the table, never to be brought up again. When I think about it
now, I really don’t feel anything. I don’t feel bad, or guilty. I just accept
it. This is what our relationship is, and I don’t have it in me to try and
change that. There are times, though, when I do wonder what, if anything, he
feels about this? If he is still holding on to the resentment, if he was hoping
there would be a chance that we would have some kind of real relationship or if
he’s just grown to accept the truth as I have.
(you crazy for this one, billy corgan.)
One of the reasons “Disarm”
is such a powerful song is because of how expressive Billy Corgan’s voice
is—specifically in the refrain of the song. Also, it has strings. And you are
guaranteed that pretty much anything with a string arrangement is going to me
super emotional. When I hear “Disarm” now, twenty years after its release, it’s
the soundtrack to my childhood ending. Years ago, when I was in a college
writing class, we were to bring in an old photo from our childhood and write a
poem about it. When I was away from school for spring break, I quietly went
through photo albums in my mother’s house, and without too much thought, took a
photograph and never returned it.
In the photo, I am probably
eight years old, and my father and I are standing in front of the sign for a
pumpkin patch we used to visit every fall. My father, wearing the denim jacket
with the wool collar that he always wore. Me, wearing a Darkwing Duck fanny
pack. When we had to talk about our pieces in class, our professor wanted us to
bring the photo in to show everyone. As people looked at the photograph of my father and
me, almost everybody commented on how much I look like him. At the time, that was something I didn’t want
to hear. But now, if I’m looking in the mirror, without my glasses on, I’ll let
my eyes lose their focus, and I’ll see it too.
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